OK, so if you’re anything like me, you’ve caught the Overwatch flu, and you’ve caught it bad. If you’re not staying up way too late playing it, you’re reading about it and watching POTG on Reddit the next day. You’re sleep deprived, have made questionable decisions about playing more Overwatch versus showering, and you’ve possibly started using Overwatch lines during work meetings.
“How should we approach this project Wyatt?”
“Build em up, break them down!”
“Don’t worry my friends, I’ll be your shield!”
“What’s going on?”
“DIE DIE DIE DIE!”
“Someone call HR.”
Now, while the game itself is incredibly fun and addicting, it is also extremely popular. To the point where it’s actually making a dent in Korea’s League of Legends player base, which is insanity to say the least.
With that popularity, however, comes a variety of people that are most likely going to drive you nuts when you play online. So I feel it’s my duty to give you a heads up about what kind of player you might run into when Overwatching.
This is the guy who uses voice chat in a public group when nobody else is. He’ll be in a group of people who are level 50+ and start handing out friendly advice that would have been more applicable at level 1.
“Hey guys, group up here, this is a really good choke point. OK, so I’m going to put a trap behind you, so if anyone sneaks up on you, they’ll get caught. Ok, healer, you should avoid open areas. Remember, it’s never a bad idea to back off and re-group.”
They will talk. And talk. And talk some more. The entire match. They will tell you when to use your Ultimates. They’ll tell you what characters you should use. He will give you a heads up on when you should use your secondary abilities. Hell, he might even break down how your character works for you.
“Junk Rat is really good for spamming areas of high traffic. So just start shooting grenades there. Solider? He shoots small round hard things called ‘bullets’.”
While well meaning, nothing is more maddening than listening to somebody explain to you how to play the game at such a basic level. It gets to the point where you expect them to call you up and explain how pooping works.
Sitting back, waiting from afar, the critic exists purely to line up her/his shot when you least expect it. They sit patiently, waiting for you to make a character change they don’t agree with, and then they pounce.
“Hey don’t use that character”.
If you change characters and your team wins? All will be well. The Critic will move on. Should you keep the character they didn’t approve of and your team loses? Unleash the gates of hell.
“HEY FUCK FACE, LEARN TO PLAY.”
“STUPID CHARACTER TO USE MORON.”
“We had some idiot using [character], f-ing noobs”
You see, the Critic doesn’t care about learning, or trying new things. To the critic, there is only one game plan each round, a strictly enforced code of conduct to be followed. Should you dare stray outside those boundaries, they will lay into you, dumping all of their unresolved self esteem and parental issues upon you.
They play like someone has kidnapped their family and their survival depends 100% on if they win this round of Overwatch or not.
You are allowed to be Lucio. That’s it.
The POTG Play by Play Guy
You get a slick POTG by using your Ultimate? Get ready for “that guy” to show up.
“Are you kidding me? For that?”
It doesn’t matter if you timed your special well. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t even ask for the POTG, it just happened because your turret was designed to kill mass people. All that matters is you got POTG, Play By Play guy felt the time he/she killed two people, one of which was a spinning backwards shot, took far more skill, and should have been rewarded for it.
It doesn’t matter that the POTG system does not take “leet skills” into account. They will make it their life duty to let you know you didn’t earn that POTG, and that you should take no pride in it.
The EZ Guys
Saying “ez” after matches is the new “gg”. They will say it’s said in good fun, but it’s really a dick move. There is no joke behind it. Just dicks. And poo. If you say “ez” after a game you are in fact a bad person.
If you have said “ez” and are reading this now, don’t get defensive. Just embrace the poo that you are. Own it.
The Russian Roulette Guy
You will invariably run across someone who switches almost every death when playing. They’ll run out with Winston, get torn down, and think they should be Zarya. Then Plan: Zarya will fail and they’ll try Soldier. Then that will fail, and hell, why not try Junk Rat?
They will somehow be level 75 and be good with none of the characters. The only conclusion you will come to is that they are letting a friend play the game for the first time, or their pet dog took control at some point.
It will be hard to prevent yourself from turning into The Coach while watching this. Resist that urge. Simply leave the lobby after the game is over. Don’t become The Coach. Never become The Coach.
First come, first serve, that should be the rule for characters in Overwatch.
While most people follow this, you will run into times where you’re the first person in a game, and you choose your player. You’ll sit there for 30 seconds while the room fills up, content with your choice. You’ll start imagining your future with that character. Oh the kills you’ll get together!
Then the Jacker joins and just grabs your character. And there will be two of you with the same person. And you’ll both look like fools.
The Jacker won’t change off. So you’ll have to pick someone else. Then you will watch The Jacker proceed to be awful with the character they stole, before they swap out to somebody else. At that point you’ll be 2/3 of the way to your Ultimate, so you won’t want to switch back to your original character. So you sit there, in your own personal hell, tossing orbs from afar, wondering why you couldn’t be reaping people.
Some people actually use this character. They will at times put ice walls up in front of you. Your own team mate. They will put up ice walls, whether maliciously or in the hopes of being helpful, that get in the way of your god damn Ultimates going off. Like, the point is about to be taken, but you’re going to be a god damn hero and ride in there with your Reaper ultimate, but WHOMP, there’s a piece of shit ice wall in your way. Why is that wall there? What possible reason could there be for blocking you out and keeping the enemy on the point? You’ll never know. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHY THIS HAPPENED.
There is nothing worse than Mei. Nothing. If you’ve used Mei, you’re a very bad person and should feel bad.
Mei is garbage. She is poo.
You will run into someone who wants to be Hanzo and Widowmaker. They will not be good at Hanzo or Widowmaker.
They will miss 95% of their shots.
There will come a point where you’re convinced they’re doing it for a laugh, that they can’t possibly miss that many shots. Surely the law of average states they kill someone, even by accident.
But miss they shall.
You will be attacking the point, in overtime, and you’ll simply hear the gentle “whisssh” of an arrow flying overhead, missing its target.
And change they never will.
Because they are committed.
Just wait until you have two Hanzo’s on your team, missing every shot. That’s some high level rage right there.
Teleporters of Grief
Some Symmetra’s find it amusing to put teleporters that exit right over a cliff. So you will go through it and fall to your doom. I have a variety of theories as to why people would enjoy doing this to others, but most of them can be summed up by poo.
You are poo if you do this. Almost as bad as Mei poo.
Some people hate touching the point or payload, even in a game that in fact is won by doing such things. So while you’re doing what can only be described as the most heroic on screen version of Saving Private Ryan made in years, trying to push that god damn Payload in overtime, buddy in the back is firing arrows at nothing in particular. Birds? Stop signs? Traffic lights?
Whatever it is, they’re having the time of their life, while you’re dodging bullets and trying to dive forward to get a pinky on that Payload to keep things moving.
Even worse is when it’s a god damn Roadhog, firing from three blocks away, pausing to suck down health every 5 seconds, instead of going for the point.
Why Roadhog? Why you gotta be like that?
Usually the Lookie Lou will get the POTG for something they did way earlier in the game to add further insult, thus re-confirming their belief they did the right thing. Resist the urge to become the Play By Play guy at this point.
This is a combination of The Critic and The Coach.
What happens is they’ll show up and tell everyone what characters to be, and will be super vocal about what they’re doing. “GOT A TELEPORTER UP. ATTACK FROM THE WEST SIDE.”
If you win, things will usually be ok. The Genius might give you a heads up on things to improve upon (it’s like getting a job review while playing a video game, what’s better than that??”), like telling you to tighten up on the flank attacks, or not to chase Tracers so much.
If you lose? Then the Armageddon of hatred spews out. “You guys are such clueless idiots. What a waste of my time. F-ing noobs.”
Them dying by charging off the cliff? That was your stupid ass fault because they had to try and save you.
They’ll often lament the PUG lifestyle, as if you forced their hand into playing with the unwashed masses of the public, as if it’s your fault they had no friends to play with. The Genius has all the answers, and just know you failed them at every single turn. You are the stupid idiot. Not them. They are never wrong.