A heads up, episode 10 of Gotham is their mid season break, so I will use that time to catch up on recaps for episodes 7, 8, and 9. If anyone is reading this, leave a comment or discuss Gotham on Twitter with me, it helps keep me motivated to keep writing these!
That being said, I watched tonight’s episode and got all fired up so I decided to recap things out of order. Let’s get down to it!
WORST PORN DIALOGUE IS BACK
In episode one, I lamented that the writing on the show sometimes strayed towards dialogue you might hear in a porno flick.
“Did anyone order a pizza?”
“That depends….did it come with extra….meat?”
“JIM, WATCH OUT, THAT PIZZA HAS A GUN!”
The show has remained inconsistent in relation to its writing throughout the season so far, but tonight it went back to its roots and really ramped up the adult film factor:
I actually had to physically pause the show when I first saw this scene to give myself a few moments to recover from it.
Not only is Chino (Gordon) delivering the line like he’s in grade 10 drama class, not only is he frowning comically as he delivers his last line, the dialogue itself is just a pile of poop.
It’s like a leprechaun celebrating a victory over somebody asking for a stupid non specific wish.
“I want to the ability to fly!”
*hands over a plane ticket*
I’m not asking for Breaking Bad levels of writing here, but come on, at least raise the bar above “Debbie Does Gotham” levels.
BEST SIGN IT’S ACTUALLY A PORNO FLICK
One of the characters in the episode was named Dick Lovecraft.
If you’re in the adult movie business, how is that not a name you would use?
On top of that, he lives in a super clean, super white, super sterile apartment, devoid of pretty much everything but tables, sofas, and beds, ie surfaces you can have sex on.
Dick Lovecraft, noted Gotham pornstar. Still better than Goatman.
WORST CONSISTENCY OF LOGIC
One of the worst things Gotham does is clumsily write its way through the early parts of the show to get to the end of the show.
What do I mean you ask? Well let’s say Harvey and Gordon have to solve the case of “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
In a normal world, they would discover the chicken crossed the road to reach water, after crossing the road and seeing the chicken was swimming in said water. This would take about five minutes, however, and the show would be over in 10 minutes.
In order to drag things out, they make Gordon and Harvey incredibly fucking stupid. They get blown away by theories that you would think would be common place on the police force.
“Wait….you mean there could have been a SECOND shooter??”
“Hold on, are you telling me, that you can just walk into any store out there and buy a KNIFE right off the shelf??”
Because of their stupidity, it allows them to drag out the episode to the proper length, so they can keep on working towards their over arcing story-line.
In a perfect world, this would be written better by having Gordon and Harvey stumped by actual hard to figure out crimes. Alas, Gotham writers get lazy, throw their hands in the air and say “FUCK IT” and decide that next week Gordon takes thirty minutes to interrogate a coma patient.
Which brings us back to tonight’s episode, where a hired contract killer is hunting down Puss ‘N Boots (who is staying with Lil’ Wayne at the moment), when she happens across a gardener. She kills the gardener, then cuts open his entire fucking chest, so she can put a few dabs of blood on her forehead to pretend she’s be in an accident to gain access to Wayne Manor.
Let’s start off with the batshit insane logic at use here:
1) Why pretend she’s been in an accident? Why not knock on the door and ask for directions? Or a cup of sugar?
2) Or why not knock on the door and shoot Alfred and whomever else answers the door?
3) Or break into the god damn house, like Cat Woman Jr. does every single week? Apparently every window in the damn house is always unlocked.
4) Why cut the gardeners fucking chest open for a tiny bit of blood? Cut his hand or something if you really needed blood that bad, don’t be so dramatic about it.
5) Why not put fake blood on yourself, why even involve the gardener?? Ketchup. Ketchup would have worked.
The worst part comes when the female Jean Claude Van Damme assassin (she was a big fan of slowly moving her legs through the air in this episode) is put in positions where she should, by rights, have just killed Lil’ Wayne and Jim Gordon.
“But why didn’t she kill Jim Gordon and Lil’ Wayne, Wyatt?”
Because, get this, they “weren’t on the contract.”
OK, so was the gardener on the contract then? You had no problem offing him for no reason, so I have to assume the gardener was taken out by someone who hates the idea of grass being cut.
WAIT A MINUTE POISON IVY IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
BEST ALFRED IS QUICKLY BECOMING THE BIGGEST BAD ASS ON THE SHOW
Early on in the show, back when Alfred was intent upon crushing any and all dreams young Batman had, I was not a fan of Alfred.
He started winning me over when he let Batman kick the shit out of another kid and then basically threatened to let Bruce murder that kid if he ever retaliated.
He won me over more when he not only proved he is a better cop than Jim Gordon and Harvey Bullock, he also knows how to use a gun better than either of them. He also shrugs off bullets like they’re mosquito bites.
He made me a fan for life when he randomly punched Female Van Damme on the thinnest of premises that she might be a threat.
To recap, assassin lady shows up at his door pretending to be hurt from a car crash. Puss ‘N Boots and Lil’ Wayne walk down the stairs, Boots sees the lady and her eyes show the tiniest hint of alarm and –
BOOM, ALFRED PUNCHES YOU IN THE FACE.
There could be plenty of reasons the lady is there. Maybe he’s a case worker trying to find Selina. Maybe she’s a reporter. Selina might just not trust any strangers and could be reacting with suspicion on that premise alone.
Regardless of all of that, Alfred decides the best course of action is probably just to punch the stranger in the face.
In a Gotham where Jim Gordon needs to sit down and plot out a flow chart of whether or not he should use his gun to stop a criminal, it’s nice to know some men in Gotham simply take action where needed.
WORST HARVEY NEEDS TO STOP SCREAMING
Sometimes Harvey just walks into a room and starts screaming and generally over acting for no real reason. He even managed to drop a “compadre” into this scene because why the hell not.
Relax Donal Logue. You can act withdrawn. I saw you do it in Sons of Anarchy, don’t pretend you don’t have better range than this.
BEST BRUCE WAYNE IS PLAYING THE LONG GAME
Riddler is not very good with the ladies, and at first glance, Bruce appears to be following suit.
To recap, Selina Kyle has a lady boner for Bruce Wayne, which is shown repeatedly either by her trying to spend a lot of time with him, watching him sleep randomly (super creepy), or by straight up asking him to make out with her.
Bruce responded to her latest request to make out by getting all logical and shit with her and basically calling her out for not being very nice. He turned down an easy make out session, which seems like a stupid move on his part.
Lil’ Wayne, however, is simply playing hard to get, and kind of being a dick, both of which are solid moves in trying to get somebody to like you even more. By the end of the episode Lil’ Wayne has Selina acting nicer, and she gave made the first move and gave him all the kisses, ALL OF THEM.
Game, set, Bruce.
BEST PENGUIN IS PLAYING THE LONG GAME TOO
Penguin knows who is betraying Falcone, but hasn’t revealed it yet. The long game is always the way to go.
Nothing really new to report on Penguin, but I am enjoying watching him work his way up through the ranks. He’s been one of the bright spots of the first 10 episodes.
In a world without Batman, the bad guys HAVE to carry this show, because Jim sure as shit isn’t holding up his end of the bargain (one of the shows biggest flaws is how little I care about Jim Gordon, much less respect his character).
WORST OVER ACTING BATTLE OF THE HARVEYS
Move over Donal Logue, you’ve got some company!
The first time we saw Harvey Dent (last episode), he did his best to portray the “Two Face” side of him by randomly screaming WAY over the top at Dick Lovecraft when he thought he was being threatened.
In this episode he didn’t do anything as bad, but he still has a very campy feel to him. On a scale of 1 to Mr. Freeze, he’s settling in at around a 7 on the over acting scale. Reign it in a bit, bud.
BEST WHAT IS THIS MACHINE CALLED, PEASANT?
BEST ALFRED CONTINUES TO KICK ASS
Alfred not only shakes down one of Fishes top guys and takes him down with a knife to his throat, he also charms Fish Mooney into helping him find Lil’ Wayne.
Alfred is now on the list of things that are better at being a policeman than Jim Gordon, joining young Batman, a turnip, and day old milk.
Young Poison Ivy made her second appearance on the show and she came off pretty damn unhinged, which is awesome. It’s hard to describe their conversation, but it came off super weird, but fit her character really well.
“Did you make my mother cut her wrists? Somebody did. But not him. How are you doing, you doing ok? I’m doing great, how do I look?”
Just a really odd talking style, but it really made her character seem like she was on the verge of being totally insane.
WORST FIRST ROUND BUST
If Poison Ivy is a draft pick with untapped potential, Cat Woman is the first round bust who is only sticking around because she was drafted so high and way too much time has been invested in her to let her go without a fight.
Cat Woman is simply the worst cat burglar in Gotham. She gets caught repeatedly by the cops. She kicks open hatches and starts throwing fur coats into the air, so subtly is not her strongest suit. She jumps on top of cars and tries to steal shit directly in front of cops. She wears goggles that serve no purpose except to make her easily identifiable (I had prayed they were night vision goggles, but that dream has died.)
On top of that, she likes to think she’s this amazing street rat that knows how to live on the tough streets of Gotham. You know who a tough street rat is who knows the ins and outs of the streets? God damn Aladdin, that’s who.
Selina Kyle, in comparison, is an idiot. She knows assassins are trying to track her down, so what does she do?
SHE RUNS TO A WELL KNOWN HIDEOUT FOR RUNAWAY KIDS.
It would be like if I was hiding from assassins and I chose Rogers Arena as the place to hide. People will think to god damn look at your favorite spots.
On top of that, she then makes sure to talk to the well known fence of the area, you know, the guy who makes a living off of selling things, people, whatever.
For no reason mind you. Her original plan was to hide out at the flea market until dark, but at one point she decided to randomly sell some of Bruce’s shit to the fence. Why? I don’t know, maybe pigeons? Can we blame pigeons on this one?
WORST CHOKE HOLD
That’s not a choke hold. She’s kind of pulling on his tie.
Kudos to Chino for selling the shit out of it, though. He sells better than John Cena.
BEST/WORST JIM CONTINUES HIS QUEST TO START UP A FIGHT CLUB
Funnily enough one of the earlier episodes I haven’t recapped yet involved an actual fight club (which was basically porn for Jim Gordon), but once again Jim shows his hatred of guns.
Question, if a known assassin walks into an apartment (she just recently murdered a gardener that sadly nobody but me cares about) and she is intent upon killing a key witness in the room beside you, what do you do?
Remember, you have no reason to assume she won’t kill you. You are not aware of any fucked up “not on my contract and you aren’t a gardener” logic she may or may not live her life by which would protect you.
Do you a) take cover and shoot her if need be or b) come out in the open, willingly put your gun up in the air, then pray her helper walks by you so you can hit him in the head with your guy and then proceed to have a two on one fight?
If you chose b) then congratulations, you can work for Gotham PD.
BEST PLOT LINE DEVELOPMENT
As a result of Dick Lovecraft getting killed, the mayor of Gotham needs somebody to take the fall. He has to decide between Harvey Dent or Jim Gordon, and Jim is the obvious choice, especially after Jim tells the mayor to kiss his ass. Politics, Jim, politics.
Regardless, he finds himself being transferred to Arkham Asylum to work as a guard.
This. Is. Awesome.
One, because it gets him out of Gotham PD, which is a shithole full of shit and I hate it there with a burning passion. There are only so many weeks you can watch stupid cops being stupid before you get burnt out.
Two, Arkham Asylum dives deeper into the Gotham world and should provide a ton of options for storyline options.
Three, it breaks up the Harvey and Jim team (for a bit I’m hoping) so I don’t have to see any more montages of them buying lunch.
Four, it’s god damn Arkham Asylum. It’s awesome. I am excited to see where they go with this.
BEST CO WORKER IN THE WORLD
Riddles heard the news about Jim being transferred, and what is the first thing he does? He offers to write a letter to his boss demanding that Jim get his old job back. Then Nigma shakes off a hand shake and instead hands out a solid man hug, to let Jim know he has his back. He is basically being a kick ass co-worker in an office of people WHO WALKED OUT TO LET YOU DIE WHEN A GANGSTER SHOWED UP.
Jim and Harvey then proceed to basically make jokes about what a weirdo Nigma is when he walks away. Harvey jokes that Nigma should go with Jim. Jim warns Harvey he would miss him. Harvey scoffs at this and assure Jim he wouldn’t.
NIGMA SOLVES ALL OF YOUR CASES. Harvey would be fucked without him. Harvey would be without a job without Riddles. Harvey should be on his hands and knees worshiping the ground Riddler walks on for all he does for his career.
One day Riddler, one day you shall have your revenge…