Thoughts on The Bachelor

OK, so fair warning, I completely understand that complaining about reality TV is akin to complaining about the level of service you received at your 2am drunken McDonald’s dinner, so I am fully aware that this may seem ridiculous, but I have to get this off my chest.

The host of the Bachelor, Chris Harrison, is a stupid dumb piece of shit.

Before this season of the Bachelor, I had never seen it (during this season I went back and watched a couple of old ones, however). It was in that group of TV shows that I knew was popular but I had never really gotten around to watching, much like Big Brother. This season, however, I decided to try it out because I kept seeing people talk about some dude named Juan Pablo.

For those who don’t watch the show, the basic premise is they bring in an eligible bachelor (he must be TV pretty, unless he’s English), and they bring in 25-30 eligible bachelorettes, and over the course of 10 weeks, the guy must whittle his way through the women to find his one true love. The season is supposed to end with him proposing to his lady of choice. Along the way there are dates, group dates, and eventually, when you get to the final three ladies, you get the Fantasy Suite night, which is a night alone without cameras. They hint and *wink wink nudge nudge* you letting you know they are probably banging each other on those nights, but they never openly say “Well now our bachelor is going to enjoy the lady bits of the final three, to see if they’re good enough in the sack.”

So as you can tell, it’s a silly reality show, with a silly premise, and I get that.

The thing I don’t get, is how Chris Harrison can go to bed at night and say to himself “Chris, you did a good job tonight. You’re the man now, dog.”

Why are you so riled up Wyatt, you might be asking, well let me tell you why.

On this season of the Bachelor, Juan Pablo presented himself as someone who is always honest, who always says what’s on his mind. This leads to him coming off rude at times, but his motto was always “I am honest”. So ok, sounds good. As a result of this, Juan Pablo never really tells any of the ladies on the show that he loves them. This is honest. Compare this to Bachelor Jake Pavelka, who said he loved all three final ladies. Yes, 8 weeks with after whittling it down to three, poor old Jake just loved himself all three ladies. Juan Pablo not saying I love to anyone, seems a far better situation then telling three ladies you love them, knowing that you are sending two of them home soon.

So with that in mind, Juan Pablo makes his choice, he chooses this Nikki girl, except he doesn’t propose to her. He instead asks her to keep dating him so they can get to know each other better, and see if they really are a match. “That’s reasonable” I said to myself.

Nope, not according to ol’ Chris Harrison. On the “After the Rose” show, which is basically the last show of the season where they show off the winning couple, Chris Harrison laid into Juan Pablo for not saying he loved Nikki. He asked Nikki if she loved Juan Pablo, and she said yes, she did. She pretty much had to say this at this point since she stated it on the show already. But when Pablo refused to say he loved her, Chris apparently lost his mind.

What followed was basically 20 minutes of Chris trying to find a new way to ask Juan if he loved Nikki.

“Do you love Nikki?”

“If you were a chocolate bar, would it be a chocolate bar that loved Nikki?”

“What rhymes with dove? What happens when you remove the ‘g’ from ‘glove’?”

“If I held a gun to your head and said I’d kill you if you don’t tell Nikki you love her, would you say you love her?”

Juan Pablo’s defense was that now that the cameras were off, it was real life for him. It was time to see if he and Nikki were really compatible, and that his feelings for her were now a private thing. You would have thought Juan Pablo shit in Harrison’s breakfast when he said that. “But it’s a public show” cried Harrison. The people have a right to know what’s going on!

So Chris just went after it over and over again. Making snide comments, and rolling his eyes to the crowd (who ate it up, kudos to them for vilifying Juan Pablo). I legitimately felt bad for Nikki, as she had to sit there as Chris repeatedly tried to demand that Juan Pablo declared his love for her.

Things got worse, when the Bachelor’s latest success story, some dude named Sean (I never saw his season), was there with the girl he picked, and married, and Sean basically told Juan Pablo he owed it to the public to tell them his feelings. Then Sean made several “I’m better than Juan Pablo” type statements, hidden under the guise of “I’m just a different kind of guy, I suppose.” The only thing missing was him snapping two suspenders while he said it. Sean then went to twitter to let people know, seriously, Juan Pablo owes it to the fans.

Sean Lowe ‏@SeanLowe09 22h
However, as the bachelor you can’t say I want to keep my feelings private. You owe it to the fans and network to open up. That’s the job.

I was amazed Sean was able to type with Chris Harrison’s dick in his mouth. Oh, wait, is that too harsh?

Lastly, disrespecting the nicest guy in show business @chrisbharrison should be a crime. That’s my take. Wish them nothing but happiness

Nope, spot on. And when he says disrespecting Chris, he means Juan Pablo told Chris not to interrupt him twice. That was the extent of the villainous Juan Pablo.

And therein lies my problem with the show. It’s not that I think Juan Pablo is the best guy ever. I am sure there is a high chance he went into this show thinking it would be a good way to get on TV, and to hang out with some hot chicks. He definitely loves himself and thinks he can escape any situation using his charm, and he definitely doesn’t like it when his charm doesn’t work. That being said, I am sure many of the female contestants go on the show with the same thing in mind, that it gives them a chance to get on TV, go on some trips to other countries, and possibly find some dude to marry. Juan Pablo could have banged people on the show left and right, I really don’t care.

What I find maddening is Chris Harrison’s weird fucking stance that the show stands for true love. As if the show is some shining beacon of what love is meant to be. As if every girl wakes up thinking “You know what, I’ve always dreamt of the day that I could beat out 24 other girls over a 10 week period and get married to some dude who probably slept with two of the girls I was living with. That’s what I want….”

That’s what made it seem like Chris was such disingenuous prick. He was acting like Juan Pablo was some sort of asshole because he didn’t claim to have fallen in love. Like it was a slap in the face to the show and the fans because he didn’t claim he loved someone after the Bachelor process. It had a very “Stepford Wives” feel to it, with Harrison getting angrier and angrier when Pablo wouldn’t play by the Bachelor rules of “SAY YOU LOVE HER OR DIE”. Take this analogy one step further, in the other season of the Bachelor I saw, a returning Brad Womack was the Bachelor of choice. Apparently Brad chose neither girl in his first go around (which again, I am sure Harrison must have lost his shit over), but upon his triumphant return, he assured everyone that he had been in therapy for years to work on his trust issues. That he was now “taking it seriously” this time around. It was as if there was no WAY the Bachelor premise could have failed, true love is always on the show, the problem if true love isn’t found therefore must be with the Bachelor or Bachelorette. It doesn’t matter if Brad did the right thing the first time if he didn’t feel love for the girls (unless you enjoy a guy lying to you about loving you), no no, Brad must have been the problem and must be vilified. With Brad’s reconditioning done, he was allowed back on the show again to try the Bachelor process once more (shock of shocks, that relationship didn’t last.)

The thing is, the Bachelor relationships usually always fail. Go to any Safeway and look at a magazine and you’ll usually see “Recent Bachelor/Bachellorette says it’s over!”. You know why? Because the show is fucking stupid and unnatural. It is not a good way to meet somebody. It’s not a good way to fall in love. Even the odds alone, if you are randomly given 25 people, do you think the odds are good you’ll find someone you can start a life with? What in the fuck Chris? Fucking idiot.

Nikki even said it herself, that it wasn’t a very natural situation, so now that the show is over, and everyone knows they’re dating, they can find out if they have something real on their hands. Which seems a far more honest answer then some dude getting engaged at the end of it, both of them pretending on the final show like life is so fucking amazing, then breaking up 2 months later.

And again, I get it. Chris is doing his job trying to over sell the show. Fine. I just think he could do the same thing without coming off like a sanctimonious pile of shit. Want Chris’ take on it?

There’s really no other way to put this: Your conversation with Nikki and Juan Pablo was painful to watch. How awkward was it in person?

I wasn’t harping on him so much to make him say “I love you,” that’s kind of irrelevant to me. It was just, things weren’t adding up and it was just bizarre. Their body language was telling me one thing and his words were telling me another. It was him. She wasn’t allowed or able to speak her mind. I almost felt sorry for her. She was uncomfortable. He was making her uncomfortable, and I assume, I’m hoping at least, it was just an orchestrated event by him to somehow and in some way, get back at me or the show, I don’t know what his motivation was for what he pulled last night. That was the most puzzling thing. I really felt like I was sitting here, like Jerry Maguire, saying, “Help me help you. I’m trying to make you look better. Come up with an articulate thought about this woman next to you who has pledged her devotion to you.” The more he spoke, the worse he looked. I felt bad for both of them.


SHE WAS UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE YOU KEPT ASKING THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION. And what the fuck?? Juan Pablo orchestrated the event? To get back at you and the show???

“Baby, I really hate that show, so here’s what we’re going to do. I love you baby, you know that, but I don’t want THEM to know that. So on the show, I’ll refuse to say I love you, and then you shouldn’t talk much. That will TOTALLY show those assholes.”


Also, how were you trying to make him look better? By rolling your eyes? By making pointed remarks to the dude who speaks English as a second language and probably doesn’t get half of the context of your jabs? How is any of this done to help him out?

Fuck off, Chris Harrison.

Anyways, that’s my rant, I just had to get it out. I know it’s stupid to get this riled up over a TV show, but man alive, that final show just got me going, and since this website is for all 4 of you who read it (hopefully one of you four watches the Bachelor), it puts my mind at ease to get my thoughts out in writing, instead of screaming in my head all night.

Fucking Chris Harrison.


One thought on “Thoughts on The Bachelor

  1. I’m looking for the thumbs up button…but I can’t seem to be able to find it… so, here it goes: Good Job!…although I do think he did choose the right girl. I think they could have children together and I believe his parents believe that too! But,since I only watched glimpses of the show and not the actual ending, I totally did not know about the last part, so thanks for the info.

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