Canucks Nation was a bit on edge after last night’s stunning loss to the Islanders (Remember? Remember when Vancouver gave up seven goals in one period?), and with rumors of Gillis wanting Torts gone, and with people wondering if ownership would ever fire Gillis, Dreger dropped this nugget of info to twitter:
This of course led to immediate speculation. Was Gillis being fired? Was Gillis making a case to fire Torts? Was Gillis just taking a time out to have a good cry? Well luckily for you, I have an insider who acquired the transcript of today’s phone call between Gillis and Aquilini, and I don’t mind saying, it’s deadly accurate. DEADLY ACCURATE. So what went down? Read below to find out…
Francesco Aquilini: Aqua man, aqua man, does whatever an aquaman can….shooting water, helps hydrate, sometimes he makes your period late…..look out, here comes the aqua man!
Mike Gillis: Er, Mr. Aquilini?
FA: Oh, sorry Mike, didn’t realize you were dialed in. Pretty good though, right?
MG: I’m sorry, what? What was good?
FA: The song! I’m thinking of buying a movie company and making Aquilini movies a thing! Picture this, I re-create movies already done, except I re-name the main character Francesco. THINK ABOUT IT. The movies were already a success, so people will watch it again, except this time I’M THE MAIN CHARACTER. Wolf of Wall Street? More like Francesco of Wall Street!
MG: I don’t….what?
FA: Yeah you’re right. So what’s up Mike?
MG: I just wanted to talk to you about Tortorella-
MG: John Tortorella….
FA: Sounds familiar…
MG: He coaches the Canucks
FA: OH! TORTS! THE FONZ! Love that guy. Name sounds like a pop tart. Pop tart. Pop. Pop. POP. WOAH! Saying pop sounds like the noise pop makes! That just blew my mind. Picture this: Pop Tarts, but instead, we call them Pop Torts, and it has a picture of Torts’ face on them. Who wouldn’t want Torts in their mouth??
MG: Your wording of that last sentence-
FA: Picture this: It’s the movie Hercules, except we call it Francescules-
MG: MR AQUILINI! If I could just ask you to focus for a minute here, I really need to talk to you about the coach. The thing is, I didn’t think he was a fit when you wanted us to hire him in the first place, and I remain convinced he is still a poor fit for the team now. This season has shown us that his style just doesn’t work with our current roster-
FA: Aqua maaaaaaaaaaaan. Here comes the aqua man!
MG: Uh, did you hear what I said Mr. Aquilini?
FA: Sorry, I blanked out there. We were talking about re-doing the Harry Potter movies, right? Franceso Potter, the boy wizard who fights back against evil and wins the day! Imagine the money. Hey, did I show you the new tattoo I got?
MG: What, I don’t-
FA: Isn’t that tattoo awesome? It used to be a tattoo of a Stanley Cup, but then I got it turned into a picture of me as the Hulk.
MG: You know I can’t see anything, we’re on a phone-
FA: Picture this: We invent phones that have video capability, and we call it Francesco Time, and people can only see my face when they talk.
MG: Why would anybody want that, THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE-
FA: Woah, Mikey, relax, calm down, have some wine, do you want some wine? I have some wine for you. Well, the ex got the wine in the settlement, but I have some grape juice I added rubbing alcohol to-
MG: PLEASE. LET. ME. FIRE. TORTORELLA.
FA: Who is that again?