Coming off of a pretty poor showing in Survivor Series, I was curious to see how the Raw right after would unfold. Would the WWE continue to shit in my mouth and tell me it was ice cream?
Yes, yes they would.
– Raw started off with Randy Orton coming down to the ring. But Wyatt, you ask, where is HHH? Don’t worry, any Raw can’t go longer than 5 minutes without HHH appearing, so he made sure to make his way down to the ring almost immediately.
– The events unfolded as such:
1) Randy Orton brags about beating Big Show (makes sense)
2) Randy Orton yells at HHH and Stephanie about interfering in the match (makes no sense in that once again, what the fuck is HHH? A heel? A good guy? Why is the main bad guy with the belt at odds with HHH?)
3) Crowd is chanting for Daniel Bryan this entire time
4) John Cena comes out instead
5) I punch my table in disgust
6) John Cena points out how the crowd wants Daniel Bryan. I get a brief glimmer of hope. “Maybe Cena will somehow get Bryan back into the title picture?? Maybe Cena is going to somehow bring up how Bryan should be in the main event picture??”
7) Cena pulls down his shorts and dumps in my mouth. He uses the fact that the crowd is chanting for Bryan as a symbol of the fans being sick of The Authority. He then goes on to say there should be only one champion, so why doesn’t Orton fight him to unite the titles?
8) I pause for a moment go get over the horseshit Cena just pulled. The crowd loves them some Bryan and somehow Cena tries to use that to justify himself being in the main event. Yes, because the crowd chanting for Bryan was desperately looking for Cena to represent them. Good christ.
9) HHH, who knows what the fuck he is doing at this point, says they will unite the titles at the TLC PPV in three weeks. Or Stephanie said it. I don’t know. They share a similar build, I don’t know which is which anymore. At one point HHH told Orton to grow up and dressed him down verbally, which again, what the fuck are we doing here guys?
The good news about the title unification is that it might mean John Cena doesn’t have to win the Rumble and ruin it for me. I initially thought HHH would be against unifying the titles, thus forcing Cena to win the Rumble to get the shot at uniting the titles, but that doesn’t appear to be the case.
The bad news is they seemingly have given themselves only 3 weeks to build up a story line for what should be one of the biggest story lines in their businesses history as of late. The other bad news is that they might pull the old screwjob finish for the umpeenth time in a row at TLC, leaving us with no resolution except to have more Orton and Cena. This is never a good time.
Anyways, that segment ended and on we went to:
The Shield vs Rhodes Brothers and Fat Mysterio
Shockingly, shockingly, Mysterio no longer jumps up from the ground for his entrance. Now he waddles in from the back.
The match itself was pretty good, and once again it showcased Roman Reigns spearing people. The Shield got the win after Ambrose pinned Rhodes (and Ambrose did the weirdest looking pin to do it. He looked like he was dancing as he went to pin Rhodes.)
It was during this match that I realized I could watch Reigns spear people all day. All of the time. The Shield is one of the best things Raw has going for it.
As for Goldust, he continues to be super over with the crowd, and Rhodes continues his solid work. The tag titles have kind of gotten lost on the Rhodes brothers, but titles mean nothing in WWE unless John Cena holds it, so this probably isn’t a big surprise. Fat Mysterio did some fun moves and got speared, which is pretty much how Mysterio will be used at this point in his career.
The Miz’s show thing with guest Michael Strahan
The Miz, who resembles Kermit the Frog in college (you know, a Kermit the Frog that drinks too much and cheats on Miss Piggy and generally makes a bunch of stupid faces), had his stupid Miz show.
Miz introduces Strahan, but out comes Titus O’Neil (whom I am a huge fan of, go Prime Time Players!) dressed as Strahan. Titus pretends to be Strahan, Miz makes a joke about his gap teeth, then Strahan comes down. Then all three of them have one of the more awkward conversations you will see on TV (Except for Titus. Everything he does is gold). Somehow this ends up with Miz telling Strahan he wants to hip toss him, but Strahan blocks it. Titus tries the hip toss, Strahan blocks it. Strahan then hip tosses Miz. Titus celebrates with Strahan and then Strahan hip tosses Titus. Then all three guys get up and hug each other and thank the crowd.
Holy mother of fuck, why in gods name did this segment have to happen on live TV. Keep that shit for the local New York crowd only. Dear god. It made zero sense. Miz, who they turned heel, kind of, sort of, kind of acts like a heel, but then hugs it out at the end. This segment was one David Arquette title win away from being the biggest load of shit I have seen in a while. And it was a long segment, I need to stress that. This wasn’t some quick little promo, they talked for a while. About nothing. It was garbage.
The only redeeming part of it (aside from Titus, who as mentioned earlier can do no wrong) was Miz trying to do his “really?” catch phrase, but Strahan cut him off, most likely because he had no idea it was a catch phrase. It was beautiful.
Curtis Axel and Ryback vs Mark Henry and Big E Langston
Curtis Axel , who has lost decidedly in two matches against Big E, continues their feud because….well, I guess because people need a break to go buy John Cena t-shirts. Mark Henry continues the feud he already did with Ryback, but this time set in late 2013, because….crack. Because someone on the WWE writing staff smokes crack.
The match was what you would expect. Henry won it with his finisher on Axel. Part of me died inside knowing that both these “feuds” will most likely continue into TLC.
Total Diva vs Random Divas and AJ
This was honestly the exact same match as the one they had on the PPV on Sunday. Except a day later. Dropkicks still pinning people. Glancing elbows? That’s a finisher. Doing the splits? Finisher. Doing something kind of fancy looking with your tag partner? Finisher.
Let’s not lie, this match was done again purely for the Total Divas crowd that are casual wrestling fans. The Total Diva crowd that loves that show but wouldn’t pay a dime for Survivor Series but MIGHT tune into Monday Night Raw? This was for them. It was the usual poor Divas match you would expect with the lone bright spot being the female Roman Reigns Tamina showing off Chyna like power, and AJ Lee, who is the only Diva with legitimate charisma in the ring.
Who won? Not you. That’s all that matters. You didn’t win if you saw this match.
Dolph Ziggler vs Damien Sandow – Hardcore match
– Decent match with Ziggler selling his opponents moves like the boss that he is. Sandow, one of the few true heels on the roster, took the win over Ziggler, in what is probably a good idea. For whatever reason the WWE has soured on Ziggler (despite having the biggest pop in WWE in years when he cashed in his Money in the Bank for the World title) so they might as well use Ziggler to push Sandow, who has a ton of potential. At this point I was just super excited to see someone actually play the role of the bad guy and not have HHH come out and high five the guy and hug him before making fun of him and then chastising him.
As with all hardcore matches nowadays, they were very careful with their use of hardcore, so no wrestlers were harmed in the making of this match.
Random Backstage Segment
Eric Rowan, he who wears the sheep mask, randomly shows up and hands Strahan a mask. Strahan puts on the mask and then Rowan walks away. Santino then says something irrelevant.
I get that they are again pushing merch on people (“Oh, I want to buy the mask Strahan is wearing!!!”) but don’t use the Wyatt family for this. Their entire thing is that they are removed from everything else and are these super weird, super aggressive guys. It ruins the image of them to have them randomly handing out masks. They should be beating up Strahan and possibly eating him. They should not be handing him a mask that is barely hiding a price tag of $12.99.
Punk and Bryan vs The Wyatt Family
Punk and Bryan, I do have to admit, I love watching them work together. They are the best in the company and it’s just exciting to see what they can do together. Part of me is sad knowing that the fact I am seeing them together means they aren’t in the main event, but still, it’s fun to watch them in the ring and to see where this Wyatt storyline is taking them.
That being said, the match went down as you’d expect (DQ finish) except this time the Wyatt family took Bryan with them when they left.
This is neat in that I have no idea where this is headed. Are they brainwashing Bryan? Are they kidnapping him and taking him out of storylines for a while? I like it when I don’t know what they are going to do.
The problem with this is that they kidnapped Kane the same way, and instead of returning as a brainwashed minion of the Wyatt family (which is the vibe they were giving off, that cult feel), Kane came back and was promoted to Director of Operations…. So yeah. The Wyatt Family kidnapping you seems to mean you get a raise and a nice new suit?
Anyways, CM Punk saw this happening and went to save him
ROMAN REIGNS SPEAR.
I laughed SO hard when this happened because I honestly thought earlier “I could watch Reigns spear people all day” and lo and behold, there he was spearing Punk. The Shield then took Punk into the ring and triple power bombed him.
This makes no sense of course. I have no idea why the Shield is after Punk, but then again, the Shields tenuous theme of “justice” is bullshit at the best of times, so I assume they just wanted to power bomb somebody.
The interesting dynamic of this is that it once again kind of crosses the streams of the Shield and the Wyatt family, which looks to be the ultimate direction for these groups. So color me intrigued by where this storyline is headed.
Kofi vs Miz
Let’s pretend this didn’t happen.
Xavier Woods vs Heath Slater
For some unknown reason Xavier Woods (introduced by ex tag partner R Truth) made his WWE singles debut using Brodus Clay’s entrance. Complete with Funkadactyls.
To Xavier’s credit, he pulled off the entrance better than Clay has ever done it, but still, what in the fuck? Why would you bring him out to Clay’s entrance theme and dancing gimmick? What in the fuckity fuck? Good god WWE sucks balls some times.
Regardless, Xavier picked up the win over Man Boobs Slater. Huzzah.
Big Show and John Cena vs Randy Orton and Del Rio
Oh I forgot to mention, during the Miz segment Strahan announced the main event. I forgot to mention it because the crowd didn’t give a shit. In fact, they booed it. Nothing says solid writing like mid carders in Punk and Daniel getting the biggest cheers while your big main event gets booed. Anyways.
As you would expect, Cena wins. A fucking gain. Every single time. This time was awesome because Cena locked on his garbage submission, the one where he makes a face looking like he just orgasmed, and Del Rio tapped out in around two seconds. Cena then survived an attack from behind by Del Rio and AA’d Del Rio, just in case anyone had any shred of thought that Del Rio might be anywhere near Cena’s level. Cena, being the good guy that he is, FINALLY relented and let Orton hit him with the belt and stand over him, posing with both titles. I assume now that Cena will need 30 straight wins in order to fully pay him back for allowing Orton to have the upper hand for even a second over Cena.
This was a gong show. But not a good gong show. It was just lazy, messy writing. The few highlights (ROMAN REIGNS SPEAR! Bryan and Punk) were overshadowed by the other 2 and half hours of shit we had to sift through just to see it. I don’t like baseless feuds with no storylines being drawn out over multiple PPV’s. I don’t enjoy matches from the PPV being replayed the next night as a “new” match. I don’t like the WWE using all of Bryan’s momentum and giving him none of the credit. It just sucks.
Anyways, as always, I will continue watching and hope things turn around next week. There is always next week. As a Canucks fan I am used to this style of thinking at least.